So, You Are A God Damn Writer....

By reaching the end of the year '08 my husband and I found ourselves a quiet moment to sit down face to face and write down our new year plans. We have done this every year ever since we met. We reviewed what we have achieved and failed for this year and set up our new plans and goals. Usually we divided our goals into short and long terms, from 3 months to one-year and up to five-year terms. Some unfinished works are going to roll over to this upcoming year. We also seriously discussed about what should we put off or even give up on certain plans that we've tried our best but not being successful. 

Every year there are always something surprisingly appeared in our life, something we have done not on purposed but receiving a unexpectedly reward as a bonus. My most exciting reward in 2008 was I back to write after seven years of break, with challenge of using English.

I created my hub account right at the day of my 42nd birthday. While doing my half hour daily routine searching exhibition opportunities for my husband, I accidently browsed an article about HubPages.com. I then signed up, typed in my profile info and browsed around other writers' hubs to get familiar the community. That night, after I made my wish and blowed the candles on my birthday cake I asked my husband took me a photo so I could complete my HubPages set up. Within two weeks of publishing 5 hubs (without posting any sexy hot chicks photos or video.) my hub scores raised up to 90. The statistic really pushed me to keep on going. Then my husband started to see me working late at night for hub writing. He also showed his support by asking me how's my hub score lately, after found that I am addicted to write like I used to be many years ago.

So, hub writing is now on my list of goal to achieve for this upcoming year. After we have done our new year plans my husband asked me to read one of my hubs that I was recently published. His English is bad but he insisted hearing in English so he can get the "spirit". I picked "Menopause vs. Economic Crisis". This hub is about how our life pressure somehow turning into some symptoms that look like Menopause. I mentioned on the article that I am a critical person due to I used to write for several Chinese newspaper so being critical has become part of my life. 

"I think you don't need to emphasize that you have been written in Chinese for what so many years. Are there all writers in this online community, aren't they?" He said, emphasizing that it was just a personal suggestion.

"Well, why not? It is a fact and I am not bullshitting. I was even thinking of writing a series about my experience of writing Chinese in America." I said, suddenly a very sad feeling came up to me. In the meantime I was thinking my husband is probably going to accuse me having "Menopause symptom" again. "At least I am not the type of writer who just talks and doesn't write."

Yes. I used to be a writer who was staying home whole day and writing my ass off. I made this job as full-time, working five to six days a week, using my native language Chinese. And the most interesting and amazing parts are, I've done this in America, for living. 

I did not have business cards printed a title "writer". I am the type of writer who doesn't introduce myself as a writer in public but I contributed articles weekly on my community newspaper in the U.S. and Taiwan. I don't attend oversea Chinese writers conference nor join Chinese writers club or association to specify myself as a writer, instead, I wrote a lot of articles and stories and found many ways to publish my words to tell the world that I write.

This was happened before I had my children. My "good old time" has gone for so many years for having two boys with 4 years apart. Writing is a time consuming commitment. While having my first child born I have also experienced a complicated family tragic plus upcoming a huge and unexpectedly financial burden caused by a stupid decision of my partner. My life was suddenly a flip-flop that made me no way to write, period. In order to take good care of my child I chose to use my spare time assisting my husband's art business. Thus, I stop writing since the year of 2001. This plan was executed so quick, its not even having a chance to put to discussion on our end of year goal review. Stop writing is easy; however, making such a decision really means point of no return. I have tent to get back to write once my older son Felix turned 4, however, in the meantime I got pregnant again, totally unexpectedly. I deeply believe that there was an invisible force stopping me to write, although I've experienced a tremendous drama in my life that time and have seriously planed to write a fiction based on my true experience. 

Every new years eve when my husband and I working on our upcoming new years plan I always had a strong desire getting back to write. I wanted to put down "get back to write" on my list of goals but I hesitated to do so. I have done that once and ended up making me extremely frustrated because I found myself didn't achieve such a goal by the end of the year. 

It seems to me that once a writer quit writing, then he/she is no longer a writer anymore. This is how I define myself as a writer. When I wrote for living I didn't tell most people that I write, I prefer a real reader knows me through out reading my articles and novels; after I stop writing I don't tell most people around me that I used to write either, it is just too pain for me to "talk" about the good old time. In my culture, we used to differentiate professional with amatur in order to pay our full respect to the "real serious writers". Attitudes always do matter when seeing one writes; After stop writing I've also realized that as a "former writer" I need to have an attitude of walking away with glory and dignity, by not "talking" about what I used to write in the past or I have planed to write in the future.

Writer is someone who shuts up and writes, no talking. I got this theory from my husband after he heard me so many times nagging about getting back to write but failed to do so. The only thing he would suggest is "If you want to write then just go ahead. I'll do my best to support you.". I sadly found out I used be a calm person when I write. In reality I am wordless and I usually don't make much verbal complaints. I seemed to have done my most talking over writing. Talking about writing but not being able to write down a word really making me an annoying and pathetic housewife. And it is desperate not only seeing myself being annoying but other people around me who also write in Chinese.

I have to confess that I started my hub writing simply because I heard a Chinese writer bullshitting about writing in English year after year. Writing in English always sounds like a big deal and superior achievement for a non-native English speaker in front of a group of Chinese immigrants. I don't want to say anything further more about this writer, but I would truly thank this person for giving me an idea of writing in English. Ever since I started to learn English there were NO teachers telling me that I have any potential to become a writer. I had a very sad history that getting myself some not so professional English teachers who constantly made me believe in that my English is always not good enough. I am a slow learner in speaking and writing in English and I can only comprehend this language bit by bit, with most fear and pressure of "not being good enough". It took me about ten years living in the U.S. to be able to speak English fluently and confidently. By the end of 2008 was my 27th year in America, I gave myself a challenge of writing in English by signing up my first hub in HubPages.com.

Writing in English took me three to five times more than writing in Chinese. Therefore, it really took me some anger and reasons to begin. Due to I not only believe a writer is one who should shut up and write, but should also have guts really showing people how good or bad you are. You are not afraid of receiving sarcastic comments and irrational attacks. And you sincerely being responsible for every single words came out of your mind. The good or bad of your writing does not determine by your own judgement nor from your mouth, rather the real work that you have done and the improvement that you've made. Moreover, the most important rule of game is, everything must be done on written forms, either hand-written on a piece of paper or typed file, not just verbal conversations that flowing around then gone with the wind sooner or later. A writer (or I must say a "former writer") is easily turning into a bullshitter if he/she used to write (perhaps 10 to 15 years ago has published one book or an article on newspaper) but now only kept on "talking" about what he/she used to be without producing any new work nor even make the new work a breakthrough.

I hated seeing myself being a potential "bullshitwriter", after seeing how other writer can be so intoxicated by the past glory without making further movement, year after year, and still using the title "writer" as cosmetic make-up. That will be an insult to one's intelligent. 

Yes. I write now. So I don't have to talk or nag or complain. I can do all these in much more elegant and functional way -- write it down. Perhaps my husband will find me much lovable starting this new year.

I write, so I exist. I found my niche again. Let's rock!

 

 

01.05.2009